I had an experience last weekend that has me puzzled. A situation in which I was fluctuating between feeling guilty, nervous, bold, weak, wrong and right simultaneously. And I'm not entirely sure what should have happened differently. Just that there was this strange feedback loop resulting from a kind of friction between someone trying hard NOT to make assumptions while simultaneously making assumptions.
It was a snowy evening in Brooklyn at 10pm and I was coming out of the subway in Ditmas park in Brooklyn. The station stop felt more like a train station in that there was a little bit of a sitting area and information booth right near the exit, but it was still a coming-going spot and no one was really waiting. I had a broken rolling suitcase, a purse with my Canon strap hanging out accidentally, and I was a bit of a mess. I was limping due to an injury. I realized my camera was visible and immediately covered it up, but not before noticing a man noticing me. He was holding a little bag of cheetos and walked promptly behind me as if following me. In a flash of a second as i was walking out of the door to outside, i got a little bit unsure, so i said aloud, "oh shoot i forgot..." and turned around to go back inside. I didn't know the area and how long that gate was on the other side of the exit. I have been held up at gunpoint abroad, frolicked in unsafe places with my camera, never been "nervous" as a young woman. Always brave. But this time, i was more careful.
So here's what happened. The guy came back inside right after me and just started hanging out near the little metro card swiper where you can check your card amount. He kept looking over at me and I pretended to be on the phone. We were watching each other with skeptical expressions from the other side of the entrances. I must not have been a good liar, because he suddenly shouted. "Hey you! Why are you looking at me like that? You've got a look on your face." My face jolted, and went into innocent mode. "Huh? Oh man." I did that thing where you act like you are staring into space and then come "about." "Hey man, i'm in stress mode right now thinking of a million things. If i was looking at you, hey. I was looking and thinking, you know" and acted super cool. "Okay okay. you're looking at me like i dunno."
If it weren't for the fact that a large man was following me out the door and then followed me back IN, in a place where you just don't loiter (there are a million spots around the corner to keep warm), I wouldn't have done that. It wasn't because he was black. Nothing to do with his clothing (i only noticed after he had said all these things.) I take pride in my ability to never judge people--it may be a naive fault of mine. BUt i was injured, with my new computer and camera and didn't want to take a risk.
So basically what happened was that he continued to keep an eye on my eyes that were watching him. IT was this feedback loop. He thought of me as some kind of white girl profiler and almost wanted to prove a point. ANd i get it. I'm sure there are many people who DO do that. And there i was, trying so hard NOT to be THAT person, especially after his comments. But the more he felt obliged to prove a point, the more sketchy his moves were, and the more i wanted to get away from him. But he wouldn't LEAVE! I started to go out the door and then he started to go out the parallel door on the other side (they meet on the other side). It was this strange feedback loop.
Were either of us at fault? Was he just cold and wanted to hang out in there, and i was being overly paranoid since my gunpoint episode a year ago? Was i becoming a profiler? I think no. I was just being safe and recognizing that i might have to think a little less brave with an injury.
But the fact that racial profiling in newly gentrified areas is so obviously common, is what made this such a strange experience. He thought that i was afraid of him and he hated that. So maybe he kept following me because he was curious by my strange expression and wanted to see why I was acting like that. But that just perpetuated the negative appearance that I did not want to believe.
I got out as fast as i could and walked into a grocery store and called my friend where i was staying. SHe and her husband came out to walk me back to their house. The guy was behind us for a few blocks as we walked from a distance, and didn't go back inside.
Was i crazy for not walking alone? I felt incredibly guilty for profiling him, but didn't want to take a chance with my whole digital life in my hands.
